You Know, This One Time I Ate Cherry Chapstick but It Wasn’t Nearly as Tasty as This Lipgloss
My dear friends, I love a good makeup story—so please, expose yourselves. Any embarrassing secrets? Do you also sit there doing mascara with your mouth wide open like a stunned fish? Because same. Be honest. This is a safe space.
Personally, I’ve never been shy about telling people that I ate an entire Cherry ChapStick when I was about five years old. Not a bite. Not a nibble. The whole thing. Bon appétit. No one panic—I survived my delicious little meal and lived to tell the tale.
Now, are there mysterious toxins in my bloodstream that gave me superhuman speed? The ability to leap tall buildings? Night vision? A sixth sense for Sephora sales? Sadly, no. I think my le ChapStick du jour only gave me… let’s say digestive consequences. Also, as far as I can remember, I never told my mom. I just… processed that internally. Like a soldier.
Anyway—guys, help your sister out. What’s that TLC show where people eat things they absolutely should not be eating? Like Tide Pods? And wasn’t there someone eating ashes?? Whose ashes?? WHY ashes?? Is it My Strange Addiction? Because at this point I feel like I qualify as: “Former child who ate makeup and now expects all lip products to taste like a delightful snack.” To be honest I think ChapStick was my gateway drug into makeup. It all started there. A slippery, waxy slope.
Now L’Oréal. Let’s talk. When I said lip products should taste good? I was talking to YOU. Why do they taste like regret and broken dreams. I see you. I judge you. I will continue to judge you.
And Maybelline—I’m watching you closely. If those new Lifter Gel Oil-in-Gel glosses drop and they taste like horrible or, worse, like the world’s sadness? I will be personally offended. This is a threat. A loving one. But still.
If you are embracing your soft, cutesy cherry blossom spring era, and want a gloss that actually tastes good?? Let me put you on: Lawless Forget The Filler Lip Plumper Line Smoothing Gloss.
At this point I own… too many. TikTok Shop is my financial advisor and she hates me.
But listen—this gloss? Elite. Incredible. Delicious (not that I’m eating it anymore… growth!). I wore it recently and my friend hugged me and went, “Wow, you smell amazing.” And I froze. Because I was NOT wearing perfume. I panicked. I thought maybe I had unlocked a new biological scent?? Like… am I evolving?? So I asked her what she smelled and she said, “Something sweet, like cherry.”
IT WAS MY LIP GLOSS.
Explain to me how my lip gloss has more projection than some perfumes I own??? Were we just dangerously close?? Was the gloss announcing itself?? Either way, I was delighted and slightly alarmed.
So while we wait for Maybelline to release those glosses outside of TikTok Shop like the rest of us peasants, we will be thriving with Lawless in Cherry Vanilla—living our best cherry blossom fantasy.
Now tell me—what are YOUR favorite flavored glosses?? I need recommendations immediately. My standards (and taste buds) are high.